party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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