fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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