Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
