Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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