A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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