I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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