YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
