I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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