I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wish I only lived at night.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
