i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
