If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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