a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
