Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
