why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
