A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
