so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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