On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
