Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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