Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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