i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
