Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
