i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
