3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
