Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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