Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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