i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
