and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
