i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
