At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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