It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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