She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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