Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
