my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
