So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need a beard to bite.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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