Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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