He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
