I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
