Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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