And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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