I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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