Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
