the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
