I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need to sanitize my soul.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
