So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
