After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
