Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
