I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
