Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
