Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
