by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
