I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
