The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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