i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
