I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
