I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
