I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
