You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
