"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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