so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
