Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
