I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
